I’m someone who always needs to be in control. If I don’t have a plan then I get anxious. Birth is something we have little control over. I knew this even before I fell pregnant having always loved the process of birth and asking others to share their experiences. With all I knew, it was a must for my husband and I to do a hypnobirthing course. As a therapist, I know the power of mindfulness and personally love meditation.
Our hypnobirthing course was amazing. Thank you Natalie! It was 2 full days (6hrs each day) where we got to learn how incredible the human body is. How we don’t need interventions nearly as much as they are given and that the role of a birthing partner (my husband in my case) is pivotal.
My Story
On the 13th of October at 2:30am I awoke to cramping pains. I had false labour already a few times so I thought I would just put my timer on and see if they continue and progress. The pain got too much to stay in bed so I went to the bathroom to sit on the toilet and allow my body to relax there (I already had my hypnobirthing playlist on at this stage). My contractions got more intense as the time intervals got shorter (10mins apart in the first hour). After an hour of consistent contractions, I told Sven “I think I’m in labour but it’s ok, you can keep sleeping”. Well he couldn’t, luckily so because it then got intense and fast!
My contractions came on fast and close together. In between my contractions my lower back pain would flare but not too bad so we tried our list of labouring options at home. The shower felt amazing but after a while I felt I could put on the tens machine… well NOPE! It made my lower back pain even more unbearable.
My contractions were every 2-3mins apart, going for over 1min at a time and I thought, maybe he will come quickly because this is progressing much faster than what I recall (most early labours I thought were longer intervals). So we called the hospital and because my contractions were so close and while on the phone to them, my mucus plug came out, they told us to come in.
I tried hypnobirthing in the car which worked on and off but with so many distractions I found it hard to stay in the flow. When he arrived at the hospital, I had my first VE (vaginal exam) which I didn’t want but they said we had no choice. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but I was “only” 3cms dilated. They gave us a room only because my waters broke when I arrived at the hospital.
When we entered the room, I finally felt relaxed enough to start hypnobirthing. I could focus on my breathing because I knew we were at the hospital (I didn’t need to move anymore). I believe I was hypnobirthing with my contractions every 3mins apart going for 1-2mins each for 4hours but I can tell you. That time breathing through the contractions (when no one was talking to me) was incredible. The most empowering feeling, to have such unbearable pain, wash over you with each breath. To breathe through it, speak to your baby and trust your body to do what it needs to do. There are no words to describe the pure serenity in it.
Unfortunately, I was in a hospital setting with a midwife that didn’t want to sit back and let my body do what it’s meant to do. So my doula, husband and I tried different positions and moving around. We tried to put off the next VE for as long as we could but again, I was given no choice but to say yes to it. My second VE told me I was “only” 4cms dilated after 5+ hours. By this point I was labouring for over 12hrs and my lower back pain in between contractions was worse than the contractions themselves. I could breathe through the contractions but as soon as they passed, my lower back would flare and I couldn’t keep breathing through it. I was being told that they would need to give me syntocinon (to speed up my labour). I was so scared of more pain in my back that I said I could only do it if I had an epidural. I felt safe and happy with my choice because I know many women who had successful vaginal births with epidural so I felt it was possible.
With the epidural I could talk and eat again. After a few hours sitting down, they told me to stand up to help the baby move down.
The epidural is where I see it all went downhill (or going to hospital full stop honestly) because I wasn’t informed that bub was likely posterior. This would explain the long labour with short intervals and lower back pain. It’s longer with shorter intervals because your body is working hard at rotating bub! That’s why you’re meant to let it be. Anyway, hindsight is a b***.
Even though I had an epidural I felt I was in transition when I was standing and knew it wouldn’t be long till we met him.
I lay down again (don’t know why) and then I felt an immense urge to push. They told me not to but I couldn’t help it, my body was pushing. The midwife didn’t want me to push though because she hadn’t done another VE to check I was 10cms and she also didn’t want me to push because her shift was about to end.
7pm came round and the midwives switched over. The older midwife was so gentle and kind to me. She said I was likely pushing and I finally accepted a VE which confirmed I was 10cms. I pushed in every position we could think of. I could still feel the pressure and knew that something was wrong because no matter how much I pushed, he wasn’t coming. It was a horrible feeling. That’s when the OBs came in and told me he was in distress (fair enough) and gently explained to me that we would need to go to the theatre to try to manually move him, use forceps or do a c-section.
I felt completely ok and safe with this option. I was even laughing and making jokes all the way through (thank you hypnobirthing). The spinal block wasn’t working well and took a lot more and a lot longer than they expected but when they were finally ready to start I asked someone next to me to remember to put him directly on my chest if he was healthy. They told me “oh no they need to clean him up first he’ll be all bloody!” To which I said “I don’t care, I just want him on me, please tell them”.
They couldn’t rotate him so they had to cut. I felt ready to meet him. I held Sven’s hand and started singing my favourite lullaby and then I heard his first cries. The most beautiful sound, and we saw him. He was so perfect. Then they took him. Even after I asked them not to only a few minutes beforehand. They took him from me. Hearing him cry without being able to hold or kiss him, while being strapped down on a table alone, was absolutely horrible, agonising. It was so traumatic. Just those few minutes apart (only mums will understand).*
When they brought him back to me, I felt whole again. Like a part of my heart had been torn out and then returned. I want to say that was the start of our amazing journey together which in many ways it was. In truth, the hard times were just starting. Our breastfeeding journey was so very hard and also traumatic in another way. But that’s a story for another time.
I’m someone who always needs to be in control. If I don’t have a plan, I get anxious. Birth is something we have no control over. I knew this even before I fell pregnant, having always loved the process of birth and asking others to share their experiences. With all I knew, it was essential for my husband and me to do a hypnobirthing course. As a therapist, I know the power of mindfulness and personally love meditation.
Our hypnobirthing course was amazing. It was two full days (6 hours each day) where we got to learn how incredible the human body is, how we don’t need interventions nearly as often as they are given, and that the role of a birthing partner (my husband in my case) is pivotal.
On the 13th of October at 2:30 am, I awoke to cramping pains. I had experienced false labour a few times already, so I thought I’d put my timer on and see if they continued and progressed. The pain got too much to stay in bed, so I went to the bathroom to sit on the toilet and allow my body to relax there (I already had my hypnobirthing playlist on at this stage). My contractions grew more intense as the time intervals got shorter (10 minutes apart in the first hour). After an hour of consistent contractions, I told Sven, “I think I’m in labour, but it’s okay, you can keep sleeping.” Well, he couldn’t—and luckily so, because it then got intense and fast!
My contractions came on fast and close together. In between contractions, my lower back pain would flare, but not too badly, so we tried our list of labouring options at home. The shower felt amazing, but after a while, I thought I’d put on the TENS machine… well, NOPE! It made my lower back pain even more unbearable.
My contractions were every 2-3 minutes apart, lasting over a minute each, and I thought, maybe he’ll come quickly because this is progressing much faster than I’d expected (I thought most early labours had longer intervals). So we called the hospital, and because my contractions were so close together, and my mucus plug came out while I was on the phone with them, they told us to come in.
I tried hypnobirthing in the car, which worked on and off, but with so many distractions, I found it hard to stay in the flow. When we arrived at the hospital, I had my first VE (vaginal exam), which I didn’t want, but they said we had no choice. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I was “only” 3 cm dilated. They gave us a room only because my water broke when I arrived at the hospital.
When we entered the room, I finally felt relaxed enough to start hypnobirthing. I could focus on my breathing because I knew we were at the hospital (I didn’t need to move anymore). I believe I was hypnobirthing through my contractions, which were every 3 minutes apart and lasted 1-2 minutes each for 4 hours. That time breathing through the contractions (when no one was talking to me) was incredible. It was the most empowering feeling to have such unbearable pain wash over you with each breath—to breathe through it, speak to your baby, and trust your body to do what it needs to do. There are no words to describe the pure serenity in it.
Unfortunately, I was in a hospital setting with a midwife who didn’t want to sit back and let my body do what it’s meant to do. So my doula, husband, and I tried different positions and moving around. We tried to delay the next VE for as long as we could, but again, I was given no choice but to agree to it. My second VE showed I was “only” 4 cm dilated after over 5 hours. By this point, I had been in labour for over 12 hours, and my lower back pain in between contractions was worse than the contractions themselves. I could breathe through the contractions, but as soon as they passed, my lower back would flare, and I couldn’t keep breathing through it. I was told that they would need to give me syntocinon (to speed up my labour). I was so scared of more pain in my back that I said I could only do it if I had an epidural. I felt safe and happy with my choice because I know many women who had successful vaginal births with an epidural, so I felt it was possible.
With the epidural, I could talk and eat again. After a few hours sitting down, they told me to stand up to help the baby move down.
The epidural is where I see it all went downhill (or going to hospital in the first place, honestly) because I wasn’t informed that bub was likely posterior. This would explain the long labour with short intervals and lower back pain. It’s longer with shorter intervals because your body is working hard at rotating bub! That’s why you’re meant to let it be. Anyway, hindsight is a b***.
Even though I had the epidural, I felt I was in transition when I was standing and knew it wouldn’t be long till we met him.
I lay down again (don’t know why), and then I felt an immense urge to push. They told me not to, but I couldn’t help it—my body was pushing. The midwife didn’t want me to push, though, because she hadn’t done another VE to check I was 10 cm, and she also didn’t want me to push because her shift was about to end.
7 pm came around, and the midwives switched over. The older midwife was so gentle and kind to me. She said I was likely pushing, and I finally agreed to a VE, which confirmed I was 10 cm. I pushed in every position we could think of. I could still feel the pressure and knew something was wrong because no matter how much I pushed, he wasn’t coming. It was a horrible feeling. That’s when the OBs came in and told me he was in distress (fair enough) and gently explained that we would need to go to theatre to try to manually move him, use forceps, or do a C-section.
I felt completely okay and safe with this option. I was even laughing and making jokes all the way through (thank you, hypnobirthing). The spinal block wasn’t working well and took a lot more and a lot longer than they expected, but when they were finally ready to start, I asked someone next to me to remember to put him directly on my chest if he was healthy. They told me, “Oh no, they need to clean him up first; he’ll be all bloody!” to which I said, “I don’t care; I just want him on me, please tell them.”
They couldn’t rotate him, so they had to cut. I felt ready to meet him. So at 8:32pm I held Sven’s hand and started singing my favourite lullaby, and then we heard his first cries—the most beautiful sound—and we saw him. He was so, so perfect.
Then they took him.
Even after I’d asked them not to only a few minutes beforehand.
They took him from me.
Hearing him cry without being able to hold or kiss him, while being strapped down on a table alone, was absolutely horrible, agonising and traumatising. Just those few minutes apart (only mums will understand).*
When they brought him back to me, I felt whole again. Like a part of my heart had been torn out and then returned. I want to say that was the start of our amazing journey together, which in many ways it was. In truth, the hard times were just starting. Our breastfeeding journey was more than hard and traumatic in another way. But that’s a story for another time.
Neuroplasticity & birth trauma
*I knew about birth trauma and knew I had to debrief about it. I chased them for months to get a debrief session with the head of the midwife program and a doctor from the hospital. We went through every part of my birth, and I discovered that they shouldn’t have taken him from me. They accepted accountability for the mistake and apologised. This healed me in more ways than I expected. The power of neuroplasticity is that since then I have been able to reframe my birth to see it as though he was given to me straight away. So to me now, I had a positive birth experience. It has simply taught me that next time I will likely want a home birth, if possible and definitely hypnobirthing.
